feels good to be jesse on the inside

so i’ve mentioned that being queer in the ’90s was something i just had to figure out. what i didn’t talk about was gender stuff, outside of sexuality. i’m a cis woman. what business do i have pondering my gender?

WELL ACTUALLY i think we should explore our genders no matter where we land. at seventeen i didn’t have a good way to do that outside of wearing my dad’s clothes (which i’d been doing since i was thirteen in 1991, grunge baby!) and writing in my damn diary. i wrote poems about being a boy. did i want to be a boy? no! i wanted pants to fit me properly! but i hadn’t figured that out yet.

last month i dreamed that i was dating evan dando and he let me listen to his bootlegs of lemonheads shows and critique his set lists. this was, obviously, the best dream a tangentially generation x gal could have (and my husband has been making fun of me mercilessly ever since, which i absolutely deserve). anyway, after i had this dream i listened to come on feel the lemonheads and realized that way back when the album came out, it was part of my gender exploration.

there’s this song dawn can’t decide, which has total nonsense lyrics (i cannot stress enough that every lemonheads song was written by someone who was very very stoned) including the line ‘feels good to be jesse on the inside today’. what does that mean? i HAVE NO IDEA but i definitely internalized it as jesse being my inner masculine side. and then i promptly didn’t think about it again for almost thirty years.

so that was an interesting realization.

and i still don’t have any pants that fit.

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